This is my little story this morning about my journey and experience about confidence. Today as I step into my 44th year I am so grateful. I am grateful for the blessings as I am for the learnings that came and still come along this path. Finally I do not want to compete with someone else in what they look like, what they wear, what they sound like, what they do. How much money they have, followers ( I’ve never really brought into this one) etc. I am at peace, for today anyway.
I am far from my ideal but I am at peace with the process, my process in getting there that is. I am still sitting with the discomfort and learning with possibly never being my best self in some areas but I use that as a guide to remind me, show me and inspire me to be more of what I know I can be and will be.
As a mother, I would make you cringe with the way I speak at times when I am in total breakdown. I fear of what may happen to my children, my babies, if I can’t get through to them and teach them all my lessons, awarenesses, knowledge and lack there of. I am far from my ideal weight, is there even such a thing? My finances are not where I would like. My business still shows the cracks of transitioning out of my old and fully, unashamedly, living into my best self. My relationship. Don’t even know where to start on that one other than letting you and myself know and remember that experiencing love in its totality is my Achilles heel (An Achilles’ heel is a weekness in spite of overall strength, which can lead to downfall). I am not referring to a physical vulnerability. My meditation time or time out for me to get fully present practice is near non existent atm. I have been working on a plan to eradicate this one as practicing nothingness, mindfulness and peacefulness is right up there as one of my highest values and one that I know brings so much peace, joy and light into the lives of those that honour it with consistent practice. I would also like to walk more. Down the beach, in the forest, in a park or even on a path. Just walking and taking the time to smell the roses of all that envelops us. Even the so called “invisible”.
So what has 44 years taught me about confidence? It has taught me that confidence does not look a particular way. Confidence is something that you feel. Clothes can’t create it, not in the real sense anyway. Make-up can’t disguise its lack. A college education can’t provide it, nor can a masters degree create it. Confidence for me comes from knowing that you are doing the work on yourself most days so that it shows up in ways that you dreamt of. Ways that you imagined. Confidence can be fleeting or it can stay forever. The more that you practice its disciplines, the more you will receive and experience its grace. Sure a new outfit and a bit of botox makes me feel like I’m winning some days but thats just a part of me that is appeased. The deep down knowing that life is good, so good in fact, creates a feeling that can only be explained as total joy. This joy comes from doing the daily work on the parts of you that can’t be seen but that are felt. It shows up in physical form as an undeniable smile. A look of total empathy, understanding, a look of compassion. It shows up as understanding and action toward making our lives and the lives of others better, happier, healthier and more abundant. This my friends is what confidence is to me. We all need to let go of or loosen the grip on the false and over marketed, industrialised version of confidence. Of course give the ego a wipe over but don’t let it become the greatest part of you, its not. You are, we are, amazing. Practice being amazing in your truest sense of being and existing today. Practice it often until it just becomes who you are. Who you really are.
Peace my friends and peace be to 44. May the next 44 years be fucking incredible. Amen 💜