Today marks the last day that I finally give in to my bullshit. I wanted so much to have and to hold this beautiful man in my life for ever and yet we played with life. We played with fire and thought we would remain strong continually playing in the flames of death. If I am to have this man in my life to be my best friend, my lover, my husband and the man that will care for me and I him, we need to be willing to trust past is past. That actually holding on to fear is the vey thing that keeps death a stones throw away. That holding on to fear actually keeps life at stones throw.
Do we just let go and start again with someone else? It would be easier I think, or would it? Is that the key? Wiping the slate and starting again. What does it teach our children? What does it teach our friends? Our family? The people that we want to inspire and show that anything is possible. Of course we would do it differently had we another partner. Of course we would make upgrades and of course we could make it work but is that for me? Is that what I ultimately want??? What is it that I want? Truly, if I was to be really honest with myself, what would I want that was not ego driven like what he looked like, what he did, how much money he has or how established he is. What would I really want? What would my heart want?
My mother once told me that when respect flies out the window, love walks out the door.
Love comes in many forms and respect is one of them. My husband and I lost the highest respect of all, we lost respect for each other and for our own word. This was due to carrying our past behaviours into our new. We did not respect the rules of life let alone the rules for a long term, loving relationship which are ultimately the same really.
Bottom line is this, if you broke your own rules for being your highest, truest form of self, if you sold out on what you knew you knew. If you made allowances that gambled with fate so that you could have that night out, that feeling, that escapism. If you avoided instead of sitting with your feelings and problems, instead of really working on them, then you gambled with your marriage and you are gambling with life.
You can’t gamble with the rules of life, you will loose, trust me. How do I know this? there are never any winners when we sell out on our own knowing. When we take short cuts. Its an illusion, theres no short cuts to dealing with your issues, to feeling good, to having any kind of security, being healthy or even having the body you want. It all takes time and hard work, dedication and commitment. You either have it or you don’t but don’t bullshit to yourself like I have done the past 25+ years. I believe that deep down we always know right from wrong, black from white, truth from lies and ego. Some times our ego reigns supreme and even has us believing that we are confused, but we know. If we take the time to silence our own bs, we know the answers to our hearts desire, we are just scared to face the possibility of pain and potential suffering again. Trust me, stay as committed to success in all areas of your life and you will never know pain like the pain from not following your heart.
How could saying goodbye to the man that stole my heart so many years ago be right? To the one that I get to be totally me with. To the one where we laugh like best friends do, the one that we created a new family with. How can we do this when we are the leaders of whats possible?
We made so many promises, we broke so many rules. We sold out on values, goals, dreams and promises and yet we expected that tomorrow would be different. How could we have expected that if we continued living in past that it would give us what we most desired. A forever after, a beautiful home, traveling the world together, amazing businesses that we are proud of and love. Did we spend too much time working on our businesses and not the foundations to a happy and healthy life? Maybe. Or did we just hold on to the past which killed future ? I think so. We worked on the stuff that we could control, that we thought would at least provide security and safety and that provided us other forms and feelings of happiness and success. We didn’t realise that our love and commitment was the foundation to that success. Our success would be the very foundation that grew every other aspect of our lives that mattered to us like our children, our home, our life. The things that really matter. Our businesses are important to us and as we work on and in them we learn and grow also, but they are not what truly grows a marriage or a relationship. Thats a garden which when watered daily, will help nourish and flourishes every other aspect of your life and the things that matter to you.
I held onto the past. I refused to let go of my beliefs and instead tried to protect myself and my heart. The past that hurt me, not only mentally, it hurt me physically and spiritually. Not dealing with this hurt and these deep seated beliefs, patterns and behaviours and continuing to set up situations to test my safety, love, commitment, security and worth, eventually led me to today. My need to protect and control my situations as well as the crazy ways I unconsciously tested my husbands love for me, has hurt not only myself, but it has caused pain and unnecessary hardship for those we are suppose to protect, teach and guide, our children, family and friends.
We did course after course but we were not willing to let go of our past behaviours, beliefs and our views. What we saw with our eyes and heard with our ears was never new content as we didn’t have room to take on the new when we had so much past, protection and unwillingness in the way. Protection and survival were far safer than really being willing to let go and practice a new way of doing us. Of being LOVE. We had moments of bliss, even months at a time but sure enough, something would happen and past ways of seeing, listening, believing and behaving would come up and bang, there we were planning our escape again.
Don’t be a fool and tempt fate. Don’t be a dick and hold onto old and expect new. Don’t behave in ways or set up scenarios that make room for heartache and loss. Stay away from situations, people, drugs and alcohol that will only bring you feelings or circumstances that bring you or make you feel less than amazing. Put it aside and know that theres another way that gives you more. It does not subtract but instead multiplies. Don’t multiply shit. Invest your money, time and self into multiplying love, travel, health, fitness, money, amazing friendships, times and experiences.
Love is the most healing force in the world. Nothing goes deeper than love: it heals not only the body, not only the mind, but also the soul. Osho Ananta