Today as I check in with my heart of hearts I do so from a place of anxious unrest and an internal longing for clarity, confirmation and rest.
The past few months have found me in a place of total overwhelm and at one point even wondering if the life I was living into was at all worth it. I had a vision many years ago that was sparked out of passion and a deep desire to share myself with the world. I reached a point in life where everything seemed to have meaning and purpose and the direction was clear, very clear or so I thought. I knew I wanted to teach women how I had got to where I was at in all aspects of my life and what I had gone through and overcome in order to do so. I had not planned that life would still continue with its ups and downs and that with it I would continue being me, all parts of me that is, the good, the bad and the ugly.
Yep I still had and have a lot of shit to work on. I was certain my life would be bliss now that I had discovered my “purpose” and linked it with my passions new and old. My vision was clear so why did life become one big arsed roller coaster for the next few years to come and will it remain that way? Today as I sit here and type I think I know the answer to my question and that is, because I decided to play life BIG. I think I always have to be honest but I keep getting confused if this is the life I want because in between these moments of complete highs and despair I have wait for it…seen the light. In these moments I have felt total peace. I have felt so eternally grateful, thankful, happy and fulfilled that I wanted for not one single thing. I was content beyond measure and yet I had nothing. Looking back I think that these were the moments that I had hit some goals, hit some targets, fulfilled on my intention and so on. These were the in between moments of this conquest to create Australia’s first chain of skin and lifestyle salons and to become a published international speaker, inspiring and creating hope and change in women all over the world who want a better life.
To teach self-love which I now believe is not always doing what’s “right” but having the willingness to continuously self explore and find your truth button and to keep taking action in the direction of it no matter how lost you find yourself at times. For me it has been a long road of doing what’s not always my truth and going through the heartache, the failures and the helplessness that has come from those choices that has brought me here today. I still fight a continuous battle between my truth and my ego and at times I’m afraid to say that it’s daily. I still crave so much of the stuff that breaks my soul but offers me that hit that my drug addicted self still craves. The drugs of life that had a part of me feel happy, free, loved and needed in the past. The one night stands, drugs themselves, alcohol fueled benders that ended in nights of sexual fantasy. A sexy body, a wrinkle free face, hair to match and the list goes on.
I am sad to admit that I feel totally snagged at times by our self-created fantasy of how we should look and how we should feel and yet I know I can unhook at anytime. The thought of bareness and vulnerability scares the shit out of me; at least that’s how it feels. Imagine a life way back when. Imagine a life where it went back so far so that we hunted for berries and food. Went fishing for the evening meal and totally lived off the land. We hunted animals for food and for clothing to stay warm. Built our homes out of clay and forest wood and foliage. We sat round fires and our only communication was a grunt to acknowledge the what’s so. If I fantasize enough I picture myself living on an island and frolicking all day but we all know that that is not the reality of life now or even back then unless…you have worked toward that being your goal. Fast forward to today and here we are trying desperately to find the balance of what was and what is. Sometimes my soul aches for simplicity and I want to run away, escape and live off the grid (Google living off the grid if you haven’t heard of this before). Other times such as now I find myself craving a life of love and adventure. Traveling the world doing what I love so that everyday, well a lot of them anyway, are a passion filled adventure from which I need not escape.
So here I sit and ask the question, if I could have anything right now, what would it be?
And here my friend is the answer. I WANT ALL OF IT!!
I want to live off the grid sometimes and I also want to holiday in Rome Paris and London. I want to swim with the dolphins, and volunteer with orangutans. I want to be part of the orphanages and places of the desperately helpless and needy. I want to collect water for the tireless women in Africa and sunbake in the Maldives. I want to look good some days and I want to not give a shit other days. I don’t expect nor want to be wrinkle and grey hair free but instead I want to look fresh, healthy and glowing with a pinch of sexy in between. How I do that entirely I am not yet sure but as long as I am happy with my choices then I am going to be ok with that. I want to be a conscious consumer of all things but also find a balance for myself so that I can experience some of life’s little treats e.g. if that means I enjoy an egg or a piece of fish sometimes I want to be ok with that also. I do not believe in some of the barbaric practices that have become the norm in todays world but I am still finding where my soul fits in the world of veganism. For some reason I am resisting going totally vegan and I do not want to berate others or myself whilst I search my inner truth.
So now that it is established that I am totally bipolar and that I am ok with where I am at or at least I am willing to sit with where I am at and own that space, I had better get back to work on my business and self so that I can be all, do all and have all that I want to experience in this lifetime.
Life is a journey made up of trillions of roads, none of them wrong and yet all of them right. Our choices will determine which road we take at any given time. We are ever evolving even when it looks like we are going backward. Going “backwards” is in fact a choice of actions from a past state to present state; sometimes those choices and actions bring about less pleasant offerings and circumstances. I could go on and on about life and human evolution from my own present belief system (I am always learning) but bottom line is that it is our life and we do with it what we do with it. We either seize every opportunity, some or none; it all depends on which part of us desires what more.
If I have not totally confused you by now I hope that in reading this that you have come to a space of self-acceptance in the now. It is from this space you can again ask the question of what it is that you truly desire right now? You will always get the answer regardless of your choices you will always know what your true self, your heart self desires. You may choose to not follow that truth because the “drug addict” in you wants something else. Regardless, you will always hear the answer of your true self-calling.
Jacqueline Kama – Inspiring and creating change.